Day two and still trying…! I’m not going to detail every aspect of every day because I know that too many food details can be really triggering for people at any stage of ED recovery, and because I don’t want to affect anyone by talking about specific thoughts or behaviours. So I’m going to focus on a few things each day that have been particularly challenging, useful or interesting.
Most of today’s been OKish which was a relief after the mega emotion swings yesterday. Had to talk myself into eating a banana at break because it really is hard to make yourself eat something when you’re not hungry at all and it’s not a mealtime, but I kept reminding myself that I did it yesterday and survived, and it had actually had a positive effect on energy levels and mood during the day. Felt horrible and shaky after it again but had to go straight into lesson which was a really good distraction again- I think school is a really good time to challenge new foods/behaviours because it really is a forced distraction/supervision!
Year 11 mocks meant that I had to work through lunch which completely threw me off track. I had no idea what to do and the bitch in my head started reminding me that I didn’t have to eat it, I’d already had a banana so didn’t really need lunch as well, it would be really selfish and greedy to ask for time to eat etc and I started to feel sick and really, really guilty. It was so hard to know what the best thing to do was, and I was trying to rationalise the bitch in my head by telling her that I had rules I needed to stick to, it’s only for six weeks and I won’t know if it works or not unless I fully commit to it and that I can always go back to my usual routine after Lent is over. It was so exhausting having a pretty much constant brain argument all through the morning’s lessons and luckily the kids were doing an assessment so not too much concentration needed but felt really zoned out and nervous which wasn’t great in lessons.
It was a bit frustrating because I really did want to try to have beans on toast for lunch (since I’d chickened out and had porridge yesterday) and decided to compromise by eating the bread in between lessons three and four (ate it quickly in the toilets which took me straight back to being at school and eating cereals bars in the toilets at lunch; really need to work out a more ‘normal’ alternative to that!) which was ‘lunch’ then I had two oatcakes as well as yogurt when I got home to make up for it. Which seemed to make sense rationally but the bitch in my head didn’t agree and started telling me how greedy and ridiculous I was being, and I felt guilty-sick and really edgy about it. So I went for a walk to try to shut her up and calm down, which helped a bit.
Still felt really anxious when I was making tea and had a bit of a freak out about carbohydrates (I genuinely have no idea what constitutes a ‘meal’ and what a portion of carbohydrates actually is), and decide to compromise by having baked beans (one of my ‘safe’ foods) as carbs with fish and vegetables. It was OK, mostly because all of them are relatively safe foods but the bitch in my head started up again when I came to eat the beans because I don’t really need that as well as the fish and it’s basically another meal which made me feel even more jittery and sick. But I finished it because that’s the rules, and had a peppermint tea afterwards to try to ease the bloating feeling. It hasn’t really worked though and I feel like I’ve put on about half a stone just since this morning. Even though I know rationally that’s not possible, I’m feeling horrible and disgusting and wish I could vacuum off half my body just to feel more comfortable. I think it maybe didn’t help that someone at work said I looked nice this morning and that I looked different somehow, and I know that probably means I’ve put on weight. Hate it!! I hate not knowing what’s happening with my weight but I’m even more scared to weigh myself- I haven’t known mu weight since 2009 (when it went over my then highest ever weight) and I’m really, really nervous of what it actually is. Bitch in my head would probably kill me or something if she found out
Anyway, day two down and still managed not to binge!! Seeing that as a mega positive at least. Only 38 days to go… 🙈