First weekend of Lent down and it actually wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be! I always find weekends difficult- too much time, no structure, loneliness and no distractions, and I was really nervous about trying to stick to my Lent resolutions without the structure and distraction of school to help. It was bloody hard, especially yesterday, but nowhere near as difficult as I thought and *touch wood* have managed to stick (mostly) to the plan, no major ‘behaviours’ and even had a soya latte in Coffee Nero which was a massive personal challenge!
Saturdays are the hardest day of the week- start of the seemingly endless mass of too much time also known as the weekend, no structure, the pressing feeling that I ‘should’ be doing something productive and absolute exhaustion from the school week. I met a friend yesterday morning which was really nice, and since it was ‘snack time’ I’d decided to have a soya latte instead of black coffee which I’d usually have. I was really nervous about it, partly in case my friend commented (even though I know she wouldn’t) and partly because the bitch in my head kept telling me that I ‘shouldn’t drink calories’, it was an extra that I didn’t need, it was way more expensive than americano and that I was just being greedy. I repeated in my head over and over some ‘facts’ that I’d already memorised to challenge her- that it wasn’t any worse than the banana I’d had that I’d had every breaktime at school, it was calcium and protein which are both necessary for runners, nearly everyone in Caffe Nero drinks a ‘calorie drink’ and none of them have immediately gained half a stone because of it, and that one of my closest friends who I really look up to drinks lattes at least once a day with sugar and is one of the slimmest people I know.
Then I opened my purse and realised I’d got a fully stamped Nero card which meant a free drink, and that seemed like a good omen to get a more expensive drink so I asked for a soya latte with sugar free caramel syrup. WOW, it tasted amazing!! Drinking it was hard though- part of me wanted to drink it all straight away because it tasted incredible and was like liquid candy but the other part of me wanted to throw it surreptitiously out the window because it was dangerous and greedy and I wanted more. So I drank it probably quicker than I’d meant to to get it out the way, and kind of regretted it when I realised I hadn’t really tasted it as much as I’d have liked to. That’s the horrible part of ‘liking’ foods/drinks- it feels scary and dangerous and you want to get rid of it as fast as you can but there’s also a part of you that you don’t want to admit that wants it (I’m not sure what the best word to use to describe it- it’s not ‘enjoyment’ because of the anxiety and guilt that’s there too but there’s a definite sense of something potentially positive as well).
The rest of the day went OK- didn’t experiment too much but stuck to the plan, and tried to keep some sort of structure with school work and cross trainer. Today was pretty uneventful- again, stuck mostly to the Lent plan and didn’t really experiment outside of what I’ve been already trying. I haven’t been feeling great today mood-wise and found it hard to motivate to doing anything; I just want to curl up on my bed with my cat, a hot water bottle and a fleecy blanket, but I did force myself to go for a slow run in between rain showers which helped a bit. Still feeling drained and a bit zoned but not as bad as I did this morning and without the run, I don’t think I’d have been able to stick to the meal plan. But on the positive side, still no bingeing!!! FIVE DAYS ❤ longest I’ve managed in nearly eight years…
Thoughts from an Iridescent Starfish 