Twelve days in…

Nearly two weeks into Lent and amazingly still going with it!  Seriously didn’t think I’d make it this far.  I’m really sorry I haven’t posted during the week, been totally exhausted and had a lot going on, will try to post more next week.  Also been a bit lazy with DBT skills so definitely going to focus more on that and write some DBT/ACT specific posts…

This week hasn’t been perfect- I’ve been feeling rubbish mood-wise most of the week, underlying anxiety and intense obsessive thoughts which have been hard to manage and that always makes the bitch in my head louder and harder to ignore, but made it through the week without any major slips or meltdowns which given everything that’s happens this week and the amount of stress it’s caused is a massive positive!  And I’ve also managed a couple of pretty major challenges which were a mega achievement for me so not the worst week I’ve ever had.
The start of the week was pretty stressful for various reasons and found it really hard to stick to the meal plan.  Every meal was difficult and the bitch in my head kept reminding me that I didn’t need it, I’m putting on too much weight and everyone thinks I’m selfish and disgusting, and that no ones really cares anyway so there’s no point following through with it.  I managed most of it but felt horrible and so anxious about it, and spent more time on the cross trainer or running than I maybe should have but sometimes it’s the only way to shut her up and I needed to so I could focus on sticking to what I should be doing.

Wednesday was pretty awesome though and a massive positive- I ate food that someone else had cooked and ate it with them at the table!!  It was a challenge for lots of reasons- partly because I hadn’t cooked the food and even though my friend said she hadn’t used oil and I trust her more than anyway, the bitch in my head was reminding me that she could just be saying that and I hadn’t actually seen her cook the food; partly because I had no idea what the right portion was and had to trust my friend’s judgement; partly because it was 7pm which is an hour and a half after I’d usually eat and the bitch in my head really wanted me to just skip tea and not have anything because it was too late and I didn’t need it anyway; and partly eating in front of people at a table which I hardly ever do (I usually eat on my own in my bedroom and have done pretty much always if I’ve had the choice since I was a teenager) although that was easier than it would be anywhere else because I was with my favourite people in the world and at their house, which is the place I feel safest.  Felt really, really anxious about it but it went so much better than I thought would even be possible.  It definitely helped that the food was all ‘healthy’ and foods that fitted into my meal plan anyway, I used a bowl I’ve used a lot before and which I know is about the right portion size (literally- it’s exactly the same size and shape as the bowls from when I was an inpatient) and it was really, really nice to eat with people I love spending time with.  Still can’t believe i actually did it though, especially as it wasn’t planned!  And I did a front flip on the trampoline for the first time ever so double achievement!

The rest of the week was pretty rubbish, lots of anxiety and feeling horrible and guilty but still sticking to the meal plan as much as I can.  Definitely need to make a conscious effort to engage with it properly next week.  Especially because I’ve got the London Marathon coming up next month, am genuinely terrified about it and could really do with being able to fuel in front of people which is still an issue I need to work on…

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