Reflecting back over the last decade :/

Really sorry I haven’t posted in so long; had lots going on and not been feeling massively motivated recently.  Had a bit of a weird realisation the other day though- 21st May this year will be ten years exactly since I was last inpatient.  TEN YEARS?!?!  Really, really doesn’t feel like that long ago.  So I’ve decided to revisit my diaries from that time and I’m going to do some blog posts trying to work out what’s changed, what still needs to change and what I could do differently.  Going to be very, very weird but hopefully productive!

SO…  Starting right at the beginning of admission #3 on Saturday 24th February 2007.  Straightaway I’m noticing that it’s my ex-ex best friend from primary school’s 20th birthday which I’m guessing I didn’t even realise at the time which feels a bit sad and selfish (both of those feelings are going to be a recurring theme throughout these blog posts!) although according to the diary, the actual admission was on the Thursday of that week which would have been 22nd February (also a very close friend’s birthday).

I remember that Thursday really, really clearly- I was at college and had been waiting for a call for a couple of days by then.  Then my phone rang in the middle of a philosophy lecture and I had to take it, and it was the ED service calling to say there was a bed available and I had to go in straightaway.  My philosophy teacher was amazing and really supportive, and I felt so weird and guilty telling her I had to leave.  It really, really doesn’t feel like ten years ago and I still cringe remembering it.  Makes me feel so so guilty and horrible!  The decision to go in that time was one of the hardest ‘decisions’ I’ve had to make- it wasn’t really a decision in one sense because I knew if I refused, I’d be sectioned and have to go in anyway but I still had to agree to go in ‘voluntarily’ and take responsibility for it which was really, really  horrible.

It’s the (perceived) impact on other people that’s the hardest part.  I was embarrassed to tell anyone and felt so guilty whenever anyone found out.  I still feel like that now to an extent although I’m a lot more accepting of ‘me’ and how I function now than I was ten years ago when I thought that I was a total failure and that there was something ‘missing’ or ‘wrong’ with my personality which would explain why I couldn’t seem to manage basic adult skills like making and keeping friends, sexual/romantic attraction, going to uni, keeping a job, not getting overloaded or overly intense, not being obsessive etc.  Also ten years ago, I’d never even heard ofAsperger’s and my perspective of OCD was continual hand washing or tidiness which really didn’t fit me so I thought I was just a weird obsessive freak.  Wish I’d been a bit more mental health aware!

Anyway, that’s a brief post about going in for my final (*touch wood*) admission- will be posting more right up till 21st May…

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