On this day ten years ago…

Still re-reading my diary from my last inpatient admission in 2007 and getting close to discharge…  It’s so weird reading it now- so much has changed but weirdly my thoughts and feelings haven’t changed that much and I can still totally relate to so much of it… :/ 

I can remember that week like it was only a few weeks ago rather than a decade :/ I felt so trapped and guilty, and every choice seemed wrong.  I didn’t want to stay because it was wasting people’s time, I felt like everything I did was affecting someone else and I was being so selfish allowing my life to be ‘put on hold’ instead of being at college and working.  But when I decided to leave, it made me feel even more selfish because suddenly people wanted to talk about that and it took up so much group time and I hated it.  I literally just wanted to disappear and not exist any more but that’s even harder in a psychiatric ward than it would be anywhere else, and I hated it (and myself) so so much.  It really was the worst week of my life.

This basically sums up exactly how I felt ten years ago, and there’s not much I can add to it.  All I can think now is that yes, I was being selfish and self-absorbed but also that that really is part of having an acute eating disorder- your life becomes eating/not eating and you can’t see outside of your own ‘bubble’, and it’s even worse as an inpatient where you’re totally out of control and hating yourself for it so you become even more self-absorbed.  I did manage to stay out though, even though I know nearly everyone thought I’d be straight back in.  And ironically, the decision to leave is the most assertive thing I have ever done in my life, and probably the most positive choice I’ve ever made.  I wanted to ‘recover’ on my terms and I knew then (and am even more convinced now) that for me, inpatient treatment was actually detrimental in the long term because I became dependent on the routine/structure and it was/is so hard to break free from.  I’ve only managed it through ultrarunning, and still working on it.  Yes, recovery might have been a lot slower than if I’d stayed inpatient but that would have been a ‘false’ recovery based on following yet another set of rules, and I want to escape all of that.  I’m not there yet but am way, way further than I was in 2007.

The last part of May 18th 2007’s entry surprised me, and I’m still as confused about it as I was then.  Although now I can see that it’s not that I get ‘too close’ to people- it’s that I give them too much significance and get too dependent on certain people, and that’s a massive difference because there isn’t a reciprocal closeness and it’s ‘safer’ to an extent because it’s mostly one-way.  Maybe she was right…?  Something that needs a lot more thought, I think.

Coming scarily close to the ten year mark and still not sure how I feel about it!  It’s a big achievement in a lot of ways but there’s still part of me that feels like a total failure because I’m still working at it and not ‘there’ yet, or even sure where ‘there’ is but will post more about that nearer the time…


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