Hope 24 2021

I’m so sorry I haven’t blogged in ages! Been having a lot of sleep and energy issues recently and sleeping more than I’m awake, and haven’t had the motivation to do much writing. I’ve started a few posts and not finished them, and I really am going to try to keep up with blogging more…

Last weekend was Hope24, which is my favourite running event of the year. It takes place in Newnham Park near Plymouth and it’s all trail running, across a field and through woods and it’s so scenic. Every lap is five miles and you can set a tent up near the start/finish line to keep food etc, or to have a sleep. The atmosphere is amazing and the organisers are incredible. Such an awesome event!

I was a bit nervous going into the run because I haven’t been running much recently as I’ve been sleeping so much and had no energy. I’d also run London to Brighton a few weeks ago which was horrible- so, so hard both mentally and physically and I wasn’t sure another ultramarathon was a good idea. But I love Hope and didn’t want to miss my favourite race so I went ahead with it. I made sure I had lots of sleep the night before and stocked up on electrolyte tablets with caffeine to try to stay awake during the run!

The first lap wasn’t too eventful but was HARD. I genuinely think my body has forgotten how to run- even when I try to make running movements, it’s like forcing my body through sludge and I’m slower than if I were walking. At the end of the first lap, a guy I know asked why I wasn’t running and my reply was “I am!”; my running speed was so, so slow and I couldn’t go any faster. London to Brighton was the same and it’s so frustrating to consistently get overtaken by walkers. But I was determined to run as much as I could however slowly I was going.

Mentally, the race was really, really tough. I’m having a lot of issues with obsessive and distressing thoughts at the moment and it was really hard to distract from them. I tried everything I could think of- DBT skills like observing and describing my surroundings, turning the mind, radical acceptance (which I still can’t get my head around and which I’m planning a blog post about), half smiling, thought blocking, imagining thoughts on a conveyor belt, thinking of thoughts as firings of the brain… I even tried listening to Blackadder in the hope that laughing would help! But nothing seemed to make any difference, and it got worse as the race went on.

The scenery was amazing though and describing it (out loud) did help to distract a bit even though the thoughts came back as soon as I stopped. The route was so nice- up a hill and through some trees, over a field and up another hill, a long downhill through the woods then up the other side. No bluebells this time of year but there were foxgloves and thistles.

After 20 miles, I stopped for a coffee break as well as the caffeine tablets because I was starting to get really tired by that point. Had a cereal bar and a ten minute rest, then back to the running. I had a ‘photography lap’ where I took some more photos then it started to rain so I had to put my phone away.

By the evening, I was completely exhausted and finding the obsessive thoughts really, really hard to manage. I was also feeling upset and angry which didn’t help, and having a lot of negative urges. It had also started to rain which got heavier as the night went on, and by midnight the trail had turned to rivers of mud and it was really hard to run without falling over, especially when you’re already totally distracted and feeling horrible. At about 1am, I stopped to get more coffee and some food, and waited for the rain to ease off which ended up being two hours later by which time I’d tried to quit then asked for my timing chip back!

At 3am, the rain was more drizzly than deluge so I headed back out again. To be honest, I can’t remember much of the night apart from feeling really upset, crying a lot and lots of obsessive thoughts. When it got light, the rain was on and off which, along with the light, helped a bit but by 7am I couldn’t deal with the thoughts any more and decided to stop. It was the right decision, I think- I was so tired I couldn’t see straight and things were moving that shouldn’t be, and I felt horrible. So I handed my timing chip in and got my medal.

Once I got back to the B+B, I slept all day until 6.30pm, briefly tried to watch the F1 but fell asleep partway through and slept till 6am the next morning. Drove home and had DBT, then fell asleep again for the rest of the day! So I think it really was the right decision to stop. I feel rubbish about it though :/ it’s the first time I haven’t finished a 24 hour race and I feel like I should have been able to complete it. But I’ve realised that the people who keep telling me that I’m not well enough for ultrarunning are right- physically I don’t have the energy and mentally I can’t deal with the extended thinking time. But it’s yet another reason to fully commit to DBT and trying to recover!

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