What I learned from running 10 marathons in 10 days

Sorry I didn’t post last night; was completely exhausted both physically and emotionally but finished the 10 in 10!!  Honestly one of the hardest things I have ever done- I was just about prepared for it physically but really wasn’t ready for the mental challenge of getting to the startline every day for another marathon, keeping going when you’re too hot, everything hurts and you’re exhausted or (especially) the emotional overload every night after the race and occasionally during it.  But DONE 😀 probably not something I’ll ever attempt again but so glad I did it, really needed the challenge and good to have achieved at least one positive thing this summer.

The emotional side of the running was definitely the hardest bit.  Usually I run ultras where you have 24+ hours of just zoning out and running at your own pace which is totally different to running marathons.  Plus there are so many more PEOPLE which I know is good and motivating but sometimes I really just wanted to be on my own which was impossible on a lapped marathon.  The people were amazing though- everyone was so lovely and encouraging and without them, I probably wouldn’t have got past day two but it’s definitely a different type of running to what I’m used to.  There were a few days when I genuinely couldn’t stop crying and it’s hard when there are people all around you so spent a lot of time crying in bushes or anywhere people couldn’t see, and I hadn’t realised how emotional marathon running can be.  I think it’s because you’re having to push physically all the time to meet the cut off times and you can’t zone out in the same way as during ultras so you’ve got too much thinking time and my brain was going to some pretty horrible places without enough distraction.  Definitely not the kind of running I’d want to keep doing but definitely good for a challenge!

The other big challenge for me was being away for ten days on my own and managing the time in between marathons.  It was really, really hard and had some pretty massive mood crashes between the runs but I kept reminding myself that it was still better than how I’ve been feeling at home recently and it was a massive challenge.  I actually made some (for me) pretty sensible decisions- when I was having a really bad night and constant suicidal thoughts, I called a mental health helpline who contacted the psychiatrist I’m seeing at the moment so she called me, and I gave my medication to a running friend to look after so I couldn’t overdose on it which is definitely more sensible than I’d usually be.  But I really, really wanted to complete the 10 in 10 which would be pretty impossible if I did anything ridiculous or stupid and my whole focus last week was getting through the challenge.

The other unexpected challenge was the heat- it was bloody hot especially over the last few days!!  Running a dry, exposed course in 33 degree heat with no breeze is bloody tough and definitely made the challenge harder.  Even though I was dipping my cap in cold water every lap, drinking as much water and electrolytes as I could and wearing factor 50 kids suncream, I was massively overheated all the time which really wasn’t fun.  I’ve lost count of the amount of times I ran into the petrol station near the course to buy some diet Coke and even ate a ridiculous amount of ice poles and ice lollies which I’d never normally eat because of the sugar and additives but it was so, so needed and was desperate for any way to cool down.  Never want to see an ice lolly again EVER and feeling a bit shit about how many I’ve eaten over the last ten days but it did seem to help stop the path from spinning so much.

Anyway, back to reality today :/ still on a bit of a high and trying to make it last as long as possible before the inevitable mood crash that people keep warning me about.  So I’m trying to get as much washing, blog writing and productiveness done as a I can now!  Felt a bit weird this morning not going to the Cyclopark for another run but definitely nice not to have to force down porridge with cornflakes and cereal bars when I’m already feeling sick or cover myself in green gunky suncream (because I hate white things) and feel yucky and greasy all day.  But it is a bit lonely without the amazingness of awesome SVN people and how bloody incredible and supportive you all are- THANK YOU so so much!!

Been a bit of an epic and exhausting week, and actually learned some stuff!  SO…

  1. The human body is AMAZING and is capable of incredible things.  Especially if you feed it.
  2. David Bowie is a lifesaver and playing Rock ‘n’ Roll Suicide will make you feel alive even when you really don’t feel like it physically or mentally.
  3. Use the people around you- they are amazing.  I’ve met so many awesome and inspiring people this week and thank you all so much!
  4. Ice lollies are GOOD and can save your race.
  5. Just keep moving.  Even if you’re walking, you’re still getting closer to the finish line.
  6. It is possible to run, cry and breathe all at the same time and is actually kind of therapeutic.
  7. Sleep can completely reset your mind and is really, really important.  Even if you need Zopiclone to get it!
  8. You are capable of way, way more than you think you are and half the challenge is just starting it.
  9. Food is fuel and without it, you can’t even get past the first lap.
  10. I like icing even if I don’t like cake and it’s a bloody good energy boost!
  11. Whole albums are better than playlists because you actually feel like you’ve accomplished something when you run through a whole sequence of albums.
  12. Don’t listen to emotional audiobooks while running; you will cry uncontrollably.
  13. Listen to your body.  If you need to slow down, then slow down and enjoy the scenery.  Even the bloody rabbit bridge for the 160th time!!  Pushing through pain is never a good idea.
  14. Exhaustion is more mental than physical- your body can do pretty much anything, it’s your brain you need to convince.
  15. Mental and emotional exhaustion are two separate things.  You can push through mental exhaustion and feel accomplished by the end; never try to force through emotional exhaustion because you’ll spend the evening feeling rubbish, overwhelmed and not safe.
  16. A text message from a friend can literally save your day.
  17. Running is a bubble away from real life where you’re not really alive or dead and neither really matters.  It’s like being in an alternate universe where all that matters is that particular lap and that’s a pretty amazing escape.
  18. I am definitely more of an ultra person than a marathon runner!  But it is pretty cool to have ten rainbow coloured medals.
  19. Your worth isn’t defined by how many marathons you’ve run or how far you can push yourself.  Everyone has their own individual limits and that’s OK; it’s working within those limits and feeling OK about yourself that matters.
  20. People are amazing.  Even if you’re feeling shit and don’t really want to interact with anyone, they’re still there being encouraging and so lovely and it’s amazing watching people achieve incredible things.

Just want to say THANK YOU so so much to everyone for being so amazing and supportive this week, both in person and online and I really, really appreciate it.  Genuinely didn’t think I’d manage even one marathon and I probably wouldn’t have without the support.  Been a v v surreal and exhausting week physically, mentally and emotionally but also ironically one of the most ‘sane’ weeks I’ve had in months and really  want to channel that!

Yet another apology post!

Hi guys, just another apology post for not writing much recently! Not been feeling great and been a bit dissociated a lot of the time which hasn’t helped 😦 back to work next week though which I’m REALLY hoping will help…

Got a few blog posts which I’m halfway through writing though so will hopefully post properly again soon. I attempted a run across Scotland which was really tough and had to withdraw partway through so trying to write about that, and been doing a lot of thinking about ED, recovery and what it actually is (kind of following from the post I wrote last year Thoughts about ED recovery but probably more confused by now!) so also trying to make enough sense of it to write about that too.  Fingers crossed I’ll have a proper post written soon and thanks so much to anyone still reading this blog!

Hope24 2017

WOW!!  Ran the incredible Hope24 race last weekend and it was AMAZING ❤ just as awesome as last year (see Hope24: a 24 hour run in Newnham Park, Devon).  It’s a 24 hour race held in Devon and is my absolute favourite running event of all time- it’s got everything: day and night running, awesome scenery, woodland trails, bluebells, friendly and inclusive atmosphere, really well organised, technically challenging running but also suitable for beginner trail runners…basically everything you could want in a running event!  MASSIVE thanks to Danny Slay for organising it 😀

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Started off a bit of an eventful weekend and wasn’t sure I was even going to get to Plymouth!  Had had a bit of a rubbish week last week moodwise- several meltdowns, a pretty major paranoia attack and two panic attacks meaning that I hadn’t slept much at all during the week, and was really looking forward to 24 hours of just running.  I left the house Friday evening to get the train to Birmingham and then to Plymouth, but just as I got to Birmingham Moor Street I realised I’d forgotten to bring medication with me.  Sometimes that’s not a massive problem and I can manage a couple of days without it but given how unpredictable my moods and thoughts had been last week, I was a bit nervous about risking three days without quetiapine in particular.  Luckily I was a bit early into Birmingham and went to a pharmacy to ask for advice; maybe not the best idea because the pharmacist basically told me not to go to Plymouth until I’d gone to a walk in centre to try to get a prescription or A+E to see a mental health liaison if they wouldn’t prescribe antipsychotics without a psychiatric report, but I really didn’t have time to find a walk in centre before the train and I didn’t want to waste A+E time.  So I bought some herbal sedative tablets and some Nytol, and hoped that would do as a temporary measure until Sunday.  Running’s a pretty good mood stabiliser anyway and I was going to be doing A LOT of that in the meantime!

So I finally got to the station and tried to get my tickets via the mobile app but it wouldn’t open.  Don’t have the energy to go into it now and the whole thing seems a bit blurred and surreal because of panic, so am going to copy and paste my FB status from Friday night: “NEVER try to book tickets with Cross Country online!!!  Bought them in advance online because it was so much cheaper than the crazy expensive train fare, and it said I had to download the app to get the ticket in the ‘My tickets’ section.  So I did but the app wouldn’t let me sign in even though I reset the password, deleted and redownloaded it several times and tried two different email addresses.

Then I thought I could use the website to get the ticket texted to my phone but after nine attempts of ‘Sorry, your request cannot be processed. Please try again later’ I decided to go to the ticket office at New Street and ask them.  The first woman I spoke to and showed my phone looked at me like I was stupid (although to be fair, I probably looked ridiculous since I was shaking and trying not to hyperventilate or cry by that point) and said it wasn’t anything to do with her, she worked for Virgin not Cross Country and I had to phone the Cross Country helpline.

By this time it was 40 mins before the train and was starting to panic a bit, and I called the helpline.  The first person I spoke to couldn’t understand anything I said (I couldn’t breathe properly and was stammering) and I felt horrible, and he kept repeating ‘I need to know the best way to help you’ over and over which made me feel worse, and I said sorry and hung up.  Did some ‘breathe box’ exercises and tried again, but the next person couldn’t understand me either and put me on hold before I could try to explain properly.

Was really panicking by then and tried for a third time, but the guy on the phone said he couldn’t do anything and that I just needed to redownload the app.  I tried to explain that I’d done that several times and that it wasn’t working, but he kept saying that he couldn’t help and I had to keep trying with the app, then he put me on hold without warning, and the phone cut out.

Was so so panicky by that point, 15 mins before the train was due and went back to the ticket office.  The woman said she couldn’t help and that I needed to keep calling the helpline, and I was so shaky, hot and dangerously close to crying by then that I just said thanks and went out again.  Then I really did start crying and hyperventilating, and started doing the breathing again and pinging a hair tie on my wrist to try to calm down.
There was a woman standing with a Virgin uniform near the ticket machines and I went over to her, and tried to explain the whole situation which was pretty difficult since I was trying really hard not to cry too much, shaking and couldn’t speak properly.  Luckily she’d seen me going in to the ticket office a few times and on the phone, and she was so so nice and calm which REALLY helped and was so amazing of her.

She looked at my phone and said she would talk to the train manager and explain that the app wasn’t working, and took me down to the platform.  She was genuinely amazing and talked about her own experiences with trains/buses and how frustrating it can be, and made me feel like I wasn’t a totally weird freak for panicking like that which was so so nice of her. S he spoke to the manager who said it was fine just to use the confirmation on my phone, and I got the train OK. SERIOUSLY relieved and so so grateful to her!!

If anyone knows a woman called Sarah who works for Virgin trains at New Street station, PLEASE tell her how amazing she is and that she deserves a pay rise!!  Seriously don’t know what I’d have done if she hadn’t helped, and she was so amazing, calm and kind even though I probably seemed like a more of a weird, panicky freak than I usually do!  Am so so grateful and going to drop a box of chocolates into the station next time I’m there.”

So I finally got to Plymouth (!) and found the B+B I’d booked.  It was late so the woman had left a key in a plant pot for me which was a relief because I didn’t have to speak to anyone (still jittery), took some Nytol and went to bed.  Found it hard to sleep and I’m not sure if it was because of nerves, anxiety, excitement or lack of quetiapine (or a combination of all of them!) and semi-dozed until it was time to get up.  Then I started to get seriously excited about the run, ate porridge and packed my CRAZY amount of food for the tent:

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Had the usual ironic giggle at the fact that I always have peanut butter during ultras (MONDAY MORNING PEANUTS!!  This won’t mean much to anyone who didn’t happen to be inpatient at WB in the mid-00s, but the apparent normality of a bag of salted peanuts at 10am on a Monday morning before going to the gym is something I don’t think any of us can forget!), and waited outside for a running friend to pick me up and give me a lift to the event (THANK YOU again!).  One of the things I absolutely love about ultras is how incredible the people are- even people you’ve only met one at an event a couple of years previously are like family, and everyone’s so amazing and accepting.  Then I set up the tent with food stores and lots of extra layers (turned out to be essential!!) and wandered round to the start line.  There were a few people I recognised from last year and from other events which was really nice, and started to get really excited about the start.  The atmosphere was incredible 🙂 it’s the most inclusive race ever and people are so lovely, and the supporters are amazing without being overwhelming which is also incredible.

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The first mile was pretty much the same as last year’s course: a ‘gentle’ uphill to the top of a field, although it looped round and up this year instead of straight up which was a nice change and gave your legs more time to adjust.  There were sheep and lambs like last year, and the views from the top of the hill were incredible.  I was lucky to meet up with a woman I got to know during the run last year and who is incredible, and we ran the first couple of laps together which was really nice (thank you!!).  It was so nice to catch up and really didn’t feel like I’d only met her once a year ago, felt like we’d known each other forever!  Made the first couple of laps go past really quickly, and I decided to use the third lap as a ‘photography’ lap because the scenery was so amazing.

After the hill, the course went through a woodland trail with lots of bluebells which was so pretty and my favourite part of the course.  There was a short section where you run through tall trees and it feels surreal and magical, like running through an enchanted wood of some sort.  The path was easy to run on (at that point) and there was a heavy woodland air that you could feel as well as breathe, and the smell of bluebells was incredible.  Could run that part forever!  Then the path opened onto a short stretch across a field and back into the woods, although the second woodland stretch was more ‘busy’ and less magical stillness than the first one.  The trees were smaller and leafier with branches bending down towards to path or overhanging, and it felt like the kind of wood you’d make treehouses or go for long walks in.  It was a bit trickier to run because of roots and rocks but there were bluebells everywhere and it felt like you were really in spring.  So, so pretty!!

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After a mostly downhill wooded trail, the course looped back around a relatively flat pathway before back up onto wooded trail again and spilling down the hill towards the campsite.  I loved the last mile: undulating wooded path along the side of a hill with glimpses of the tents through the trees then running down an open hillside towards the campsite.  Really did feel like coming back home at the end!  After that lap, I made a quick pitstop at my tent (which felt like a sauna and my peanut butter had melted!), ate  few spoonfuls of PB and grabbed a few cereal bars for my water pack.  Refilled water then back out for another lap of awesomeness.

I was feeling pretty amazing by this point: getting into the rhythm of running, loving the scenery, connecting with God and my Granda Sam through bluebells and trees, and best of all the bitch in my head seemed to have taken a nap and was nearly totally silent throughout the whole run!!  The last few races I’ve done, she’s been a bit quieter but still annoyingly there, but for the first time in probably about six months she seemed to have shut up completely and my brain was relatively quiet for the first time in AGES.  It felt AMAZING; I could think more clearly, everything seemed slowed down and manageable, and I felt calm and connected with everything instead of jittery-hyped or detached.  It really was an incredible feeling.  I decided to put Bowie’s Lazarus soundtrack on my iPod (I saw the musical last year and it was the most amazing stage show I’ve ever seen, even if it didn’t make a lot of sense at the time) and ran continuously until the album had finished.  And then amazingly, the meaning of the music started to make sense and it felt like Bowie was actually talking to me through the lyrics and the way the actors sang the words.  Won’t bore readers with too much pseudo-significant Bowie, but some things seemed really important:

  • Your only reality is your own.  You just need to come to peace with your own thoughts and learn to accept them without having to react or act on them.
  • Sometimes the most helpful and influential people in your life only exist in your own head.
  • Judging yourself is so much worse than other people’s judgments.  People are selfish and inevitably caught up in their own lives- any judgment on you is a passing comment whereas self-judgment is a poisonous seed that can control your mind from within.
  • The only true way to escape the reality of life is to fully accept it.  Any attempts to escape or numb it only lead to more suffering.
  • “We can be heroes.  Just for one day.”  The second part of that quote is the most important part: anyone can be a hero in any given moment if you only focus fully on that particular moment and don’t have the pressure of trying to be a ‘hero’ for a lifetime.  The ‘we’ is also important: ANYONE can be a ‘hero’ if they learn to make peace with their own mind in order to escape its control.  And that’s pretty much my mantra for running: accept the run for what it is, try as hard as you can but don’t put pressure on yourself to achieve any particular time/distance, relax into it.  Metaphor for running and for life!

Anyway, Bowie aside…!!  It started to rain towards the end of that lap so I put on my first layer of waterproof, ate a cereal bar and carried on.  Unfortunately the rain got gradually heavier until by the time it was dark enough to need head torches, it was pretty much impossible to see properly and I was on my fourth layer of waterproofs.  That lap was genuinely terrifying :/ I could hardly see at all (my headtorch isn’t brilliantly strong to start off with but my glasses were covered with rain so really hard to see through, and it was very, very muddy).  The first part of the lap wasn’t too bad going across the field, but going into the woods was very, very muddy and hard to navigate.  I was slipping all over the place and trying not to fall by grabbing onto tree branches, and tiptoe/climbing rather than even walking!  It was so, so scary on my own, and started to panic which really didn’t help because I was genuinely convinced I was going to die of saturation, hypothermia or falling in mud.

Then halfway through the lap (and thankfully before the main downhill part of the route), I met a running friend who had walking poles and a VERY strong headtorch, and asked if I could stick with him for the rest of the route.  He was amazing and basically let me walk right behind him so I could see where he’d put his feet, and pointed out any roots or rocks with his poles.  Made such a massive difference and felt so much safer with someone else there.  I was starting to have a bit of an ethical dilemma about what to do: I REALLY didn’t feel safe carrying on with that amount of mud and poor visibility but I felt too guilty to stop until it got light, and I knew that if I took a break, I’d never get going again.  I was feeling really trapped and stuck, and still wasn’t sure what to do by the end of the lap but thankfully when we got back to the campsite, the race had been postponed because of the conditions.  I had genuinely never been so relieved in my life and felt like crying with relief!

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They said they were going to reassess in an hour, so I went back to my tent which was SOAKED- the inside was about as wet as outside with rain and condensation and I was FREEZING.  I couldn’t stay inside the tent any longer so I took my blanket and hot water bottle to where the friend who’d given me a lift had a gazebo and a FIRE with other runners from his running club.  I sat as close to the fire as I physically could in an attempt to warm up, and made some porridge which tasted amazing.  Then we found out that the race organiser had made the very difficult decision to postpone the race until it was light (5am) and would be safer for running.  It must have been a very, very difficult decision to make but absolutely the right one.  Most people went back to tents (or home if they were local) to get some sleep, but my tent was so wet and cold that even being in it felt like I was going to die of hypothermia and I couldn’t stop shivering so I went back to the main marquee.

Got chatting to some amazing people in the marquee including the race organiser’s partner who was INCREDIBLE.  She was lovely and so friendly, and we work in similar jobs so had a really nice chat about that (and I ranted a bit about fidget spinners which had been driving me up the wall all week at school!).  I was so so cold and she let me sit in front of the heater, then gave me a buff and said I could curl up on a mat in the marquee which was so so nice of her and amazing; I had my blanket so curled up like a hamster with the hot water bottle and the buff made such a massive difference to the amount of heat I must have been losing from my head.  Thank you so much!!!  Stayed there till the race restarted, then went back to my tent to drop off the blanket.

It was so, so hard to motivate to start up again because it was still freezing and wet, but I put on my hoodie (which was still damp but had been in front of the heater so not too bad), got a coffee and decided to walk a lap to see how I felt.  After a mile or so, I felt a lot better and started to get back into the running again.  Early morning is my absolute favourite time of day and the sky was so clear that you’d hardly believe the weather from the night before.  It was still very muddy and slippery (although I only fell over once!), but a lot better now you could see properly.  Running through the tall tree woods with early morning mist felt like a newborn Narnia, and the stillness was incredible.  The damp in the greener woods made it feel like the world was coming back to life, and you could hear birds tweeting and lambs bleating.  Seriously amazing feeling!  Felt so ‘real’ and connected.

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The hardest part about the enforced break was that the cold and damp had made my muscles seize up a bit, and one of my knees was a bit ‘creaky’.  It got better as the morning went on though, and soon it felt almost summer-like hot as the sun came out properly.  My body doesn’t deal particularly well with temperature extremes and coming up to midday, I was starting to feel a bit ill with hands and feel still freezing numb but my body starting to overheat, but I’m not sure how much of that was linked to two days off quetiapine (I’d had similar symptoms when I stopped taking it last year) so I took some paracetamol and Nytol, and that helped a bit.  The buff was amazing and really helped to stop my head from overheating!  Definitely going to use it again next ultra…

The last couple of laps were hard because by then, I was totally exhausted and feeling the effects of no sleep and the damp cold.  But I was also feeling amazing; my brain was still quiet, I hadn’t had any obsessive or paranoid thoughts for nearly 24 hours and I was feeling calm and connected.  I even managed to finish on 13 laps which would usually be an absolute NO for me (12 or 14; odd numbers are unlucky and 13 is about as bad as it can get) which meant that ironically I came 13th place out of 148 female solo runners which I was MASSIVELY happy with.  Feeling a bit edgy about the 13 laps now though and thinking it as 65 miles doesn’t help either because it’s still an odd number and it’s 13 x 5, but at the time I had the horrible thought that I shouldn’t finish on 13 and needed to push for 14 but amazingly it wasn’t a big deal and didn’t bother me that much, which was amazing in itself.  Although if I lose a friend or really upset someone this week without realising it, that will be why…  Need to be super careful and I am being; have taken my usual anti-paranoia precautions on social media so I *touch wood* shouldn’t do anything stupid or impulsive.  Still can’t believe I ran 13 laps!!  Also really cool because last year I ran 16 in 24 hours and we lost 6 1/2 hours this year because the race was postponed, so actually ran ‘more’ in the time than I did last year!  MEGA achievement for so many reasons 🙂

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MASSIVE thanks to all the organisers and marshals for such an incredible event, and to all the awesome people I met over the weekend and who were so amazing and supportive.  THANK YOU ALL and can’t wait till next year!!! 😀

Lent Day Three- tough day :/

Day three of Lent and starting to really struggle with feeling full ALL THE TIME.  Found it really hard to motivate to getting out of bed this morning :/ felt totally drained and disgusting, like someone had sapped all my energy and replaced it with heaviness and sludge.  Not nice!!  I literally had to force my body into moving through the motions this morning- coffee first, shower, putting on one item of clothing at a time and really had to concentrate to make sure I actually remembered everything.

Was running late so didn’t really have time to think about porridge which was probably a good thing- made instant porridge and ate it quickly because I hate being late for work.  Didn’t even have time to think about eating when I wasn’t hungry and it was only halfway to work it suddenly hit me!  But by then I was stressed about being late, feeling anxious and trying to manage lots of ‘rule-type’ thoughts which always seem worse when I’m late (radio volume on an even number, swallowing even number of times, making sure I could see exactly half my left eye in the rear view mirror, not looking at the clock at 8.13 and when I did accidentally, having to look at the clock even more times on 8.14 etc) and didn’t have enough brain space to worry about the porridge too.

When I got to school, I had a pretty full-on morning with some of my favourite but challenging classes and I was so exhausted by breaktime that I actually really needed the banana energy boost.  Was really busy again right up to lunchtime, and didn’t have time to worry about how I was going to manage the baked beans and bread.  I was so, so nervous about it- partly the logistics of making and eating it (is it OK to eat food with a knife and fork at lunchtime? and is it OK to do that in the staffroom?) and partly in case someone commented on it and that would make me feel even more anxious and self-conscious, but luckily it’s Friday today and not many people around (lots of staff are part-time) so there were only two other people in the staffroom anyway.  I decided not to risk toasting the break because getting the toaster out and plugged in would draw attention to it and I was nervous enough anyway, so I had bread with cold baked beans.

I felt really sick when I started to eat it and felt full almost immediately, and I really wanted to just eat the beans and leave the bread but I know that would be cheating and would defeat the point of following the meal plan, so I forced myself to eat a few beans at a time then cut the bread into small pieces and ate them too.  Felt like I was going to explode by the time I’d finished and my stomach was bloated and uncomfortable, which was really horrible.  I had a horrible, intense urge to throw up and was very close to going to the toilet but the bell rang and the child I work with in the afternoon was waiting at the staffroom door so I couldn’t.  I felt really trapped and jittery but Friday afternoons are one-to-one work with a child I mentor so couldn’t do anything about it which was really, really horrible.

Then the bitch in my head started up, saying I shouldn’t have eaten it and didn’t need it, beans are OK on their own and bread is another meal in itself so I’d basically had two meals in one which was really, really greedy especially after the banana at break, feeling full is my body’s way of telling me I’ve eaten too much and I was really selfish for ignoring that and eating anyway, I’m a disgusting bitch and that’s why people don’t like me…  I couldn’t challenge her with a child in front of me and ignoring her isn’t really an option because she just gets louder, so I dug the staffroom key hard into my hand (inside my fist so the child couldn’t see) and bit my tongue, and the pain helped to distract enough that she started to quieten down a bit.

It’s a pretty intense afternoon doing one-to-one work which really helped to distract from how I was feeling.  The lesson went OK but way too quickly (I love working intensively with kids because takes so much energy and when I’m jittery-hyped, it’s a great way to channel it positively and the kids really seem to respond well to that), and I stayed late after school to write up notes to try to calm down a bit before going home.  I still felt really bloated when I got home and it’s the first time I’ve seriously considered missing food from the meal plan.  I felt SO FULL and horrible, and I’d got pretty bad heartburn as well which really didn’t help.  I couldn’t face a yogurt so ate some dates instead (needed an energy boost) and played Minecraft for a while to try to distract from feeling sick.

I hate evenings- my mood and energy levels seem to crash and it’s hard to focus on anything properly.  Friday evenings are the worst because I don’t even have school the next day and my anxiety’s really high without structure, and because I don’t ‘have’ to do anything which is really difficult to deal with.  Had to force myself to eat tea again and felt even worse afterwards, and I just wanted to binge then purge it all out, stop feeling so disgusting and bloated and escape form my body for a while.  But I’ve decided to follow the contract for the next 37 days and that means NO BINGEING, and I can’t break the main rule.  My brain’s been spinning all evening :/ trying to manage intense binge urges while the bitch in my head is screaming at me for messing everything up, being a disgusting lazy bitch, making myself even more fat so people will think I’m even more selfish than they already do etc is bloody hard and I am EXHAUSTED.

Still feel like my stomach’s forcing my clothes to stretch and I’m so scared none of my clothes will fit by Monday.  What if I genuinely have nothing to wear?  What if I get so fat people don’t recognise me?  What if the kids say something?  Feeling disgusting and so horrible, and it’s really hard trying to rationalise it and stick to the plan.  Only three days in and it’s BLOODY HARD.  But I managed two years as an inpatient on a much more difficult diet than this one (WAY more food and variety) and didn’t die, so I know rationally that it IS possible.  Just need to keep trying…

ED relapse warning signs

I’ve been looking through some of my old stuff from when I was an inpatient nearly ten years ago, and found this list I wrote with the psychologist I saw at the time about warning signs for relapse into ‘severe’ ED again.  It’s actually still kind of useful!  Some of it isn’t relevant any more (eg college-related) but a lot of it still is, and it’s helpful to think about. I’m going to be 30 in December and I really, really don’t want my 30s to be the same as my 20s, which have been mostly influenced by ED thoughts/behaviours,  both directly and indirectly.  I want to be free from the constant brain arguments, restrictions and urges to binge/cut, and I want to be able to do things spontaneously without stressing about how it’s going to impact on my daily routine/meal times.

I’m trying to make my own ‘treatment plan’ atm based on the inpatient ‘programme’ I’ve followed several times before, DBT skills, acceptance and commitment therapy ideas and solution-focussed which a friend recently introduced me to and I really like the concept of although it’s kind of hard with ED because I genuinely can’t think of times when it’s not an issue apart from running ultras, and even then it’s only because I’ve ‘earned’ the break from the restrictions by running over 40 miles.  But I really do want to change and learn to mange it properly this time- it’s been 17 years and I’m exhausted with feeling like I’m going in circles but getting nowhere.  Hope this list is helpful to some people 🙂

Yellow

  • Not sleeping much at night
  • Drinking a lot of diet Coke
  • Being irritable/snappy
  • Sleeping during the day
  • Weighing regularly
  • Only eating at certain times
  • Change in exercise habits- less intense exercise, lots of walking/swimming
  • Spending a lot of time on social media
  • Eating in a certain order or with specific plate/cutlery
  • Feeling ‘hyped’, can’t switch off
  • Feeling sick/dizzy
  • Getting obsessed with recipes or cooking programmes
  • Skipping breakfast or lunch
  • Using a lot of salt

 

Amber

  • Eating meat
  • Fixating on certain foods (often not healthy) eg reduced calorie chocolate, lower calorie sweets, low fat biscuits etc
  • Cooking food for other people
  • Staying in, watching TV, not doing anything ‘active’ or productive
  • Focussing on nutrients of food instead of actual foods eg need to eat 10g of protein, doesn’t matter what the protein is but also needs to be under 100cal per 20g of protein
  • Taking on several jobs/courses at once, need to be busy all the time
  • Neat handwriting, being unusually organised
  • Don’t want to cook or be around food in front of people
  • Not interested in reading, writing or drawing
  • Finding it hard to concentrate
  • Feeling shaky all the time
  • Prioritising walking over anything else eg walking three hours to college and back every day to ‘fit it in’
  • Bedroom messy and not cleaning because of stuff all over the floor, feeling overwhelmed
  • Driving too fast or erratically
  • Feeling like time is speeding up or slowing down
  • Getting angry more often
  • Feeling like there’s no point
  • Becoming fixated on numbers about food- timings, grams of nutrients in food, weighing foods, number of chews etc

 

Red

  • Not eating in front of people
  • Passing out regularly
  • Losing weight even after periods have stopped
  • Dissociating more than usual
  • Sleeping a lot of the day
  • Not going out for days at a time, don’t want to see people
  • Not exercising at all
  • Thinking about food all the time, having binge dreams
  • Lying about food or weight
  • Eating less than twice a day
  • Skipping college
  • Getting angry or snappy talking about food
  • Having panic attacks or similar several times a week
  • Tired all the time, not feeling ‘with it’
  • Fixating on a certain weight (usually around 7.5 stone) as a ‘magic’ solution
  • Throwing up not just after a binge
  • Going several days without eating
  • Not feeling ‘real’
  • Only thinking about food or weight