Sorry I haven’t blogged in over a week, haven’t been feeling great and not really had anything useful to blog about. I did manage the soup last week though which was a massive positive! Took a LOT of psyching up to; there were several attempts where I’d planned to have it but talked myself out of it (I’m too tired, not done enough exercise, got too much going on, don’t need it etc) but I’d promised I’d do it once in a seven day period and last Wednesday was the seventh day so I had to. The pressure really helped- it meant that it wasn’t a ‘choice’ and I had to do it which took away a lot of the guilt and anxiety about it although I still felt really nervous and ‘wrong’ because it wasn’t what I’d usually have and I didn’t really need it. But I did it though and went straight out for a walk afterwards listening to Harry Potter to distract, and it wasn’t anywhere near as bad as I’d thought it would be. I was really anxious afterwards that I’d suddenly gain lots of weight but weirdly I didn’t which was a massive relief! Tomorrow will be another week so will try it again tomorrow night, *touch wood* it will go OK again…
Things have been a bit rubbish since then though and haven’t managed to do anything else particularly positive which is a bit frustrating. Had a bit of a mood crash towards the end of last week which lasted into the weekend so spent most of Saturday and Sunday on the cross trainer or bingeing which wasn’t ideal (although I went to an amazing Roger Waters concert on Saturday night so wasn’t all bad) and still feeling overly emotional and rubbish, really hoping it’ll lift soon. I think it’s a build up of lots of different things- I work in a school and it’s end of the school year which is always hard because of changing timetables and not knowing exactly what’s going on, and kids have left after exams which is also tough because I get attached to kids I work closely with and takes a while to get used to new ones.
We’ve also been studying Of Mice And Men in one of the English classes I work in which is my least favourite book and I find really difficult to read, and it’s been affecting my moods a lot recently. It makes me feel really guilty, upset and horrible because of Lennie and how he accidentally hurts things without meaning to and it’s NOT HIS FAULT, and he’s actually trying to do what he thinks is the right thing all the time. The ending is HORRIBLE and so, so hard to read (we had to watch the ending of the film today which I hadn’t seen because the teacher last year let me go and work in another room when the kids were watching it, and it make me so shaky and I couldn’t help crying although I managed to mostly keep in in and thankfully only one boy I was working with noticed and didn’t make fun of me). It was actually harder to read this year than last year because I was already feeling a bit emotionally overloaded, and it triggered a lot of not-very-helpful thoughts about how hard it is not being able to manage your own emotions and how sometimes it really feels like it would be a good thing to have a friend like George in the last scene of the book (then I feel really guilty for thinking that and the whole cycle starts again). Not nice!! But thank God it’s a whole year till I need to read or study it again…
I think one of the massive downsides to trying to challenge your thoughts is that you’re suddenly more aware of everything your brain is telling you and that you’d usually just accept, and it makes the brain arguments so much more intense. This morning was a really good example of that and it was EXHAUSTING because I was trying to rationalise too many irrational thoughts at the same time but I did actually manage to successfully challenge one of them in the end! It went basically like this (‘B’ stands for brain/bitch in my head- bold is where I actually managed to challenge it):
*4am, waking up*
B: Get up, time for coffee and go for a run.
Me: I’m tired, I only slept an hour and a half last night and I’ve got a full day of school.
B: Stop being so bloody lazy and get up, you need to run to use up the extra energy from last night because you didn’t go for a walk after tea.
*gets up, immediately feels dizzy and goes back to bed*
*5.30am, waking up again*
B: YOU FAT LAZY BITCH, GET OUT OF BED.
Me: But I’m still tired, I really need to sleep.
B: STOP BEING SO BLOODY LAZY AND GET UP.
*gets up, goes downstairs feeling like a zombie, steps on scales. Have put on a pound overnight which definitely wakes me up*
B: See how fat and disgusting you are? Have coffee and get out running NOW.
Me: *feeling like shit, makes coffee and drinks it. By this point it’s 6am*
B: Stop being so fucking lazy and get ready to run.
Me: I’m still tired, I just want to hide on the beanbag and sleep.
B: Stop putting it off and just fucking RUN.
Me: It’s nearly quarter past six, I won’t have time to run properly anyway.
B: A short run is better than no run you lazy bitch. Just bloody go.
Me: But I won’t have run enough to earn soya milk and I’ll feel dizzy if I go to school without it.
B: That’s your body playing tricks on you to make you eat- override it, you’re in control. Just fucking run.
Me: I was planning to go on the cross trainer later…
B: And you’ll come up with a million excuses- it’s too hot, I’m too tired, I’ve been at after school club running after kids… Stop being so fucking fat and lazy.
Me: But even if I do run, I won’t have time to shower afterwards and I need to get to work.
B: Who cares? It’s not like you sweat anyway you lazy bitch- you’re not even working hard enough for that. Just RUN.
*puts on trainers, goes for a run. Runs further than I thought thanks to constant ‘motivation’ from bitch in my head*
B: See, that wasn’t so hard was it?
Me: But now I feel really weird and dizzy, and I’ve got ten hours of work to get through.
B: But you ran which is the main thing and you can go on the cross trainer later. That should be enough to balance it out.
Me: I’m dizzy and shaky, I need food.
B: No you don’t you stupid bitch. It’s your body messing with you, ignore it.
Me: No, I need to eat something, I need the energy for work.
B: No you don’t- stop being so fucking greedy. Just go to work.
Me: No, I didn’t eat enough on Friday and people at work noticed that I was dizzy and disorientated, and I can feel it happening again. I’m going to have some soya milk.
B: YOU DON’T NEED IT YOU FAT BITCH. You only ran four miles, that’s nothing and you haven’t even been on the cross trainer yet.
Me: But the soya milk will keep my blood sugars more stable then I’ll have more energy for the cross trainer.
B: JUST GO TO BLOODY WORK. You don’t need anything.
*ignores it and has soya milk, then goes to work*
That was bloody HARD!! Normally, I’d run further than I did this morning and wouldn’t even consider having the soya milk but last week, I felt really ill a couple of days at work and a few people I work with noticed which I REALLY don’t want, and I know it was low blood sugar levels (I was shaky and zoned out, parts of my body felt disjointed and not real, and I was really itchy all over). I did go on the cross trainer after work and felt ill again afterwards but luckily I had tea pretty much straight away and although I’m still a bit shaky and zoned out now, it’s a lot better than it was. But it’s things like that that are making me realise that I really do need to learn to manage it properly and I really, really want to be able to. I hate the constant tiredness and feeling rubbish, and it’s exhausting having to constantly argue with your brain.
I’m REALLY hoping that the more I challenge it, the easier it’ll be but it really doesn’t feel like it at the moment. It’s hard as well because of feeling generally rubbish and not very motivated, and it feels a lot like ‘I’m never going to be able to change or get rid of it so what’s the point in trying?’ but I also really, really don’t want to lose my job or have to go inpatient again so I know I need to do something. Feeling so trapped and horrible atm! But also determined to start feeling more positive about it…
Thoughts from an Iridescent Starfish 